Right, so I’ll just come out and say it, since there’s no point in hiding it, and I’ve come out and said it to a few now, but yeah, I am RobGraves.
And the reason for this is not because I wanted to ban-evade to be malicious, to be sneaky, to even try and trick anyone.
Largely, what I’ve been trying to do, is dis-associate myself with Rob Graves as a person. Completely, wholly. I’ve gone so far as to almost completely abandon my original steam account, remove myself from friend-circles (save for TNB) that I’ve been a part of, and try to assume new names, new identities, and make new friends in different communities.
So, when I say that I’ve done this iteration of lying and being evasive not to hurt anyone, but to get back in touch with me trying to prove that I’m not trying to repeat over, and over, and over again the mistakes that I’ve made in the past.
Yes, I have a drug abuse problem. Nowadays it’s moved slightly further away from being a drunk, and more or less weed and pills, because I was removed from the Army due to a pretty serious injury that has almost all of my lower body in severe pain. Nerve damage, and a serious infection in my foot that’s essentially. Besides this.
Considering all my dirty laundry’s been aired out in front of this community time and time before, I don’t really feel so uncomfortable overhsaring bits and pieces of my life with any of y’all anymore, because I do honestly trust (most) of you, and I don’t hate a single person in this community. It’s been quite some time since I RP’d, and a while since I came back as Durruti.
I went so far as to up and abandon basically everything I had in MA, everything in KS, move out to Washington state, and start my entire life over, with a new group of friends, and a new culture of people that have basically taken me in, and are understanding of where I come from – and I believe that that’s one of the major reasons I haven’t really been bad, so to speak.
I’ve largely become completely and totally separated from the “Tough-guy Army brazen “merkan warrior” type of shit that I spent so long basically trapped inside, which gave me a very toxic, rough, edgy, and quick to anger mentality. Moving out here to Portland and far more progressive areas, I’ve gotten support from a lot of people that I never figured I’d ever find myself around.
Do I expect this to really change anything? Not necessarily. I miss y’all, and I have a lot of love for everyone in this community, since it’s a great way to get to know people from all around. But, I’m aware that there are tons of people here that I probably have a lot of love for, that really hate my guts. I’m trying my hardest to distance myself from my past. Sometimes, little bits of it poke up through, and I have to take a concious stance and remind myself to not let the be me, and not let that shit happen again, because honestly, the last few years for me have been hard-up to the degree where I can’t even remember most people who remember me. There are entire chunks of my memory that are missing because of my lack of self-control, something that I’ve been struggling with my entire life.
Now, this isn’t meant to be a sob-story, but I think certain situations do deserve context. There’s really not so much anything else that I can do to explain the situation that I feel that I am in, and there’s obviously no way to “reverse” the assholish behavior I’ve cast onto other people years and years ago. I don’t like being sneaky and evasive like this. I don’t want to be seen as a liar. People don’t deserve to build trust in an individual like me, only to have it completely and entirely shit on when word gets out that I am who I am. But, I feel there’s absolutely no other way, other than taking a shot in the dark here, and trying to explain myself, self-critique, and public apologies, to try and “show” that I legitimately want, and really, honestly need to leave the Rob Graves egotistical bullshit somewhere far, far away. I do, but the last two instances of this, I’ve felt that I’ve had no way to do this, no way to show this, besides assuming different identities. Rob Graves is some child shit that needs to be left behind, I’m more than old enough to be responsible for my own actions, but I don’t physically know or understand how to try and prove to this community member that I am making a solid attempt to leave all of this shit behind, without going about it in a way that, well, isn’t exactly Orthodox.
Tl;dr, at this rate I’ve become completely aware that I don’t want to be “Rob Graves” or seen as the “Rob Graves” that I was 3-5 years ago. I don’t know how else to prove that I can leave that shit far behind me, other than, well, assuming a new identity. This time, I more or less immediately came back to the Discords to speak with my old friends, because I knew eventually that this would come to light – and I just wanted to meet with people, meet new people, make new friends, because even if I made friends with people that hated me, maybe that’s good for me. To clear the air. Remaining friends with my old friends, also good. And making new friends that maybe never knew me as RobGraves, also good.
I’m just sorry I had to be evasive and a sneak in order to do it.