pilotfish
vitriolic shitbird
- Joined
- May 20, 2011
- Messages
- 591
- Reaction score
- 398
How to Write a Complaint
This isn't satire, it's actually a fully fledged guide on how to write complaints on these forums. The first thing you need to do is to ensure the reader that what they're reading isn't actually what it really is. Tell them it's something constructive instead of letting on that it's actually just your way of criticizing people you don't like doing things you don't like.
Now, certain people might criticize this guide for being manipulative. I've heard their concerns, and many of them are put across logically and politely, however, this is a pretense. You must manipulate in order to create a successful criticism. This involves discounting the views of any naysayers, anyone who doesn't see that this is the truth, frankly, doesn't understand how complaints work. People who assume that there is some aspect of moral fidelity which must be included in all complaints, is naive. It may seem to you that merely stating your opinion and evidence will be enough, you do in fact need to show that people who disagree with you are wrong, otherwise nothing will change. Look for any complaint which has achieved anything without the author disproving the claims of any naysayers. You won't find one.
Once you've gotten into the meat of your complaint, and hooked the reader in, you'll want to start attacking the issue. Ensure that you bring across the concept that the subject of your complaint is a major issue. You will have noticed that there are a great many "CCCs" floating around in this community. The problem they often face is that they don't convincingly outline that the problem being discussed is actually important. In too many cases, the author reveals their own vested interests and exaggerates in far too strong a manner to be convincing. Now, this isn't the single main problem that all complaints face, but it does lead to them losing credibility. If you make out that the issue is important, but not overbearingly so, your complaint is much more likely to be listened to.
If your complaint focuses on the actions of one person, or a group of people, you need to be careful about accusing them of doing anything specific. It's best to make a general claim about the harm they've done to the community, then if people ask you to specify, do so later on. People who write complaints often ruin the integrity of their post by doing things like this, which seems fairly trivial, but it means that their complaint goes unheard. This happens a lot, and over time it has meant that many good, positive ideas have been lost. If you want examples of such CCCs, just post and I'll explain in greater detail.
It helps to be an expert. If your complaint is based on specific details, do some research and find some more technical words to use. This serves two purposes: It shows that you know what you're talking about, and it will often confuse those who disagree with you, but are frankly too stupid to understand what you're saying. In many cases, they will make fools of themselves by completely misinterpreting what you're saying. The cause of this lies in the perceptive dissonance between what people believe they have understood, and what has actually been parsed by the creator of the account. Consider it in a similar light to a legal document, which could move off on a side-track, exploring an issue which is not actually directly related to the logical thread of the discussion you are outlining. By structuring your argument in a manner which it is exceedingly difficult to read with any great degree of swift comprehension, you cause your potential adversaries to slow down and become bogged down in the word-mire you have created. Not only this, but you'll also be able to simplify your argument towards the end of the paragraph to deliver a swift, punchy finish.
The issue of "word walls" must of course be dealt with. If you plan on creating a complaint which people will actually read, you need to focus on having short paragraphs with a clear and stated objective, given at their beginning. The opening sentence of each paragraph should outline the area the paragraph will discuss, and the next few sentences should refine exactly the sort of thing you're talking about. After that, you should get straight into the matter at hand. Word walls (Or walls of words) are the sort of thing that no-one (Especially if they happen to be in a hurry) wants to see in a thread that they are reading, especially if they are filled to the brim with sentences which, whilst potentially full of information, need not strictly be quite so long and drawn out as they happen to be - in truth most of these sentences are not even grammatically correct, and could be made simpler to read, and more entertaining, if the author would only remove some of the un-necessary grammar and just add a full stop here and there - which would help keep the wordflow swift. These walls quite often contain poorly broken down lists including things like the names of the players involved, the names of those who support the complaint, the sources that the author used to compile the complaint, the list of sub-issues which branch out from the main issue, and other similar things which truthfully could be put into bullet-points or something similar. In truth it's probably not a bad idea to include a large, well structured argument somewhere in your complaint. If you break everything into separate paragraphs you could come across as scatterbrained, or your complaint could be seen as not focused enough. The solution to this is to include one larger paragraph which contains more argument and evidence than the others, but to put it near the end of the complaint. Keep the more punchy arguments above it in their own separate paragraphs, and reserve this space for the more long drawn out arguments you wish to bring across, or any concluding words you have to say. Make sure to sum up any arguments above, but include a summary of the points you've made in this larger paragraph. That way, even if a person decides not to read the last paragraph, they'll have sampled your strongest and most hard hitting arguments. However, people are more likely to read this last paragraph as they should be swept along by the tide of your argument, and by this point are determined to see it to the end. If you succeed in showing the reader that your complaint is not merely an ordinary criticism, but is something else entirely, they will be more likely to read the full complaint. So long as you've discounted the views of others before reaching this point, they'll more than likely be seeking more evidence to bolster their new viewpoint on the matter. If you've succeeded in outlining (but not exaggerating) the scale of the problem, they will see reading the entirety of the post almost as their duty to the community - they won't want to miss out on any more information that could stop them falling into the same mistakes you've shown that others have. So long as your argument has been convincing, and you've legitimized your position in making it by using more professional sounding language and phrasing, they should come out of reading the thread with a firm belief that you've informed them of what must be true. This is not however the end of your criticism. Whilst it may seem perhaps dishonest, you should inform your friends that you're going to be posting a criticism, and have them ready to post their support. If you do this, people are more likely to see that you are the voice of the people, and not some malcontent simply wishing to criticize others and make fun of them.
This isn't satire, it's actually a fully fledged guide on how to write complaints on these forums. The first thing you need to do is to ensure the reader that what they're reading isn't actually what it really is. Tell them it's something constructive instead of letting on that it's actually just your way of criticizing people you don't like doing things you don't like.
Now, certain people might criticize this guide for being manipulative. I've heard their concerns, and many of them are put across logically and politely, however, this is a pretense. You must manipulate in order to create a successful criticism. This involves discounting the views of any naysayers, anyone who doesn't see that this is the truth, frankly, doesn't understand how complaints work. People who assume that there is some aspect of moral fidelity which must be included in all complaints, is naive. It may seem to you that merely stating your opinion and evidence will be enough, you do in fact need to show that people who disagree with you are wrong, otherwise nothing will change. Look for any complaint which has achieved anything without the author disproving the claims of any naysayers. You won't find one.
Once you've gotten into the meat of your complaint, and hooked the reader in, you'll want to start attacking the issue. Ensure that you bring across the concept that the subject of your complaint is a major issue. You will have noticed that there are a great many "CCCs" floating around in this community. The problem they often face is that they don't convincingly outline that the problem being discussed is actually important. In too many cases, the author reveals their own vested interests and exaggerates in far too strong a manner to be convincing. Now, this isn't the single main problem that all complaints face, but it does lead to them losing credibility. If you make out that the issue is important, but not overbearingly so, your complaint is much more likely to be listened to.
If your complaint focuses on the actions of one person, or a group of people, you need to be careful about accusing them of doing anything specific. It's best to make a general claim about the harm they've done to the community, then if people ask you to specify, do so later on. People who write complaints often ruin the integrity of their post by doing things like this, which seems fairly trivial, but it means that their complaint goes unheard. This happens a lot, and over time it has meant that many good, positive ideas have been lost. If you want examples of such CCCs, just post and I'll explain in greater detail.
It helps to be an expert. If your complaint is based on specific details, do some research and find some more technical words to use. This serves two purposes: It shows that you know what you're talking about, and it will often confuse those who disagree with you, but are frankly too stupid to understand what you're saying. In many cases, they will make fools of themselves by completely misinterpreting what you're saying. The cause of this lies in the perceptive dissonance between what people believe they have understood, and what has actually been parsed by the creator of the account. Consider it in a similar light to a legal document, which could move off on a side-track, exploring an issue which is not actually directly related to the logical thread of the discussion you are outlining. By structuring your argument in a manner which it is exceedingly difficult to read with any great degree of swift comprehension, you cause your potential adversaries to slow down and become bogged down in the word-mire you have created. Not only this, but you'll also be able to simplify your argument towards the end of the paragraph to deliver a swift, punchy finish.
The issue of "word walls" must of course be dealt with. If you plan on creating a complaint which people will actually read, you need to focus on having short paragraphs with a clear and stated objective, given at their beginning. The opening sentence of each paragraph should outline the area the paragraph will discuss, and the next few sentences should refine exactly the sort of thing you're talking about. After that, you should get straight into the matter at hand. Word walls (Or walls of words) are the sort of thing that no-one (Especially if they happen to be in a hurry) wants to see in a thread that they are reading, especially if they are filled to the brim with sentences which, whilst potentially full of information, need not strictly be quite so long and drawn out as they happen to be - in truth most of these sentences are not even grammatically correct, and could be made simpler to read, and more entertaining, if the author would only remove some of the un-necessary grammar and just add a full stop here and there - which would help keep the wordflow swift. These walls quite often contain poorly broken down lists including things like the names of the players involved, the names of those who support the complaint, the sources that the author used to compile the complaint, the list of sub-issues which branch out from the main issue, and other similar things which truthfully could be put into bullet-points or something similar. In truth it's probably not a bad idea to include a large, well structured argument somewhere in your complaint. If you break everything into separate paragraphs you could come across as scatterbrained, or your complaint could be seen as not focused enough. The solution to this is to include one larger paragraph which contains more argument and evidence than the others, but to put it near the end of the complaint. Keep the more punchy arguments above it in their own separate paragraphs, and reserve this space for the more long drawn out arguments you wish to bring across, or any concluding words you have to say. Make sure to sum up any arguments above, but include a summary of the points you've made in this larger paragraph. That way, even if a person decides not to read the last paragraph, they'll have sampled your strongest and most hard hitting arguments. However, people are more likely to read this last paragraph as they should be swept along by the tide of your argument, and by this point are determined to see it to the end. If you succeed in showing the reader that your complaint is not merely an ordinary criticism, but is something else entirely, they will be more likely to read the full complaint. So long as you've discounted the views of others before reaching this point, they'll more than likely be seeking more evidence to bolster their new viewpoint on the matter. If you've succeeded in outlining (but not exaggerating) the scale of the problem, they will see reading the entirety of the post almost as their duty to the community - they won't want to miss out on any more information that could stop them falling into the same mistakes you've shown that others have. So long as your argument has been convincing, and you've legitimized your position in making it by using more professional sounding language and phrasing, they should come out of reading the thread with a firm belief that you've informed them of what must be true. This is not however the end of your criticism. Whilst it may seem perhaps dishonest, you should inform your friends that you're going to be posting a criticism, and have them ready to post their support. If you do this, people are more likely to see that you are the voice of the people, and not some malcontent simply wishing to criticize others and make fun of them.
