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Judge Other People's Writing Thread

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by xeanos, May 18, 2017.

  1. xeanos

    HL2 Admin

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    This thread is exclusively for writers in this community who want to improve. How this thread is very simple. Post who you are, your characters and optionally a piece of writing/role play. People will then judge it accordingly.

    A disclaimer: don't bring petty emotional tangents into this thread or heart felt appreciation for a writers kind words. A friendly rating will do. If you feel overwhelming emotion because of someones criticisms then take it somewhere private. I'll be watching this thread. Removing shit posts and handing out warning points etc should people shit post. If you've left tnb or no longer rp here then please don't post in this thread. Cheers.
     
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  2. xeanos

    HL2 Admin

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    Reserved until I'm home
     
  3. Supersoup

    Supersoup retard

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    #3 Supersoup, May 18, 2017
    Last edited: May 18, 2017
  4. Scone !

    Scone ! I am not a bot
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    For now I'm interested in how I come across as Quyen and Frank, perhaps how I used to for 00912/19111/01556, since I just carry on with what I do but rarely do I get anything beyond "it's good!" from anybody if I do actually ask. How am I actually, though? How are my ideas, and how well do I pull them off?

    All I know so far is that I'm very dialogue-heavy over emotes, and I am working on that, but it's the only piece of writing advice I've gotten in a long time. It's something I carry across into my own actual writing when I do IC pieces, so it's still very much relevant information to know, how well I create a character and then animate them.

    Later when I finish it I'll put a piece of my writing up as well.
     
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    #4 Scone !, May 18, 2017
    Last edited: May 18, 2017
  5. Benji Dooble

    Benji Dooble diamond in the rough

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    im benji

    my characters are lazlo boyd, 10197, and winston thomas.

    tell me how terrible i am please.
     
  6. Nec

    Nec rank 1 retard
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    i play sam
     
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  7. ☭Eternal Tipper☭

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    I play Guts and Ellis powel. But I really want to improve on Guts since he was my first character.
     
  8. Doggo

    Doggo Zealot

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    I only play Mycroft and 474 mainly, the rest are all event characters or whatever that nobody can place a name to when I play them.

    I just never really get feedback, and trying to lead by example is easy when I get to improve.
     
  9. Tyler Franze

    Tyler Franze Senior Member

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    Might as well; I play Tyler.

    Please, bring the shit storm. :friendly:
     
  10. A Wizard

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    I play Dalia Salazar and 08787.

    There are a couple things I want to work on, mostly just habits.

    I'll judge others when I'm home.
     
  11. Helios

    HL2 Admin Moderator

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    I think it'd help if people posting included an example or short excerpt of writing, either from in-server logs or something you might have posted on the forums. I'd post something myself but it'd take me a while to go looking through, and recently I don't think I'm doing as well as I could be.
     
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  12. CollectorGeneral

    CollectorGeneral unironically a neonazi irl

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    The late great 31222. I posted a number of scenarios here for critical review. Looking for constructive criticism, no bloody "hurr durr heretic is a bad word and I don't like it" nonsense please.

    Situation where he faced off with another unit.
    Situation where he "addressed" a crowd in public.
    Situation where he "educated" a fellow unit.
     
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  13. Skippy

    Skippy Respected member.

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    Now that I'm actually getting into some good city roleplay I wouldn't mind feedback on this excerpt from the quotes thread a few days back which featured the tail-end of my unit's first day of service. I'm sure @Helios and @adderall wouldn't mind criticism either since they both have a lot of lines in it.

    Also here is a short story featuring a character idea of mine that I ended up never really taking anywhere. Before that I hadn't written any pieces for a long long time but I'd like to get back into it.
     
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  14. adderall

    adderall Legend

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    id love to get some critique on how i play my unit and write in general, sure. hit me with some of That.
     
  15. BMY871

    BMY871 Senior Member

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    I currently play Brian Chang. Criticize me please!
     
  16. Santoro

    Santoro Legend

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    312 one of best units ever
     
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  17. adderall

    adderall Legend

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    you suck

    haha now that ive made my joke time for a post edit ok
    i find myself having a difficult time suspending my disbelief around Brian. she stutters around pretty ladies like he's on the cusp of puberty, for one. That and his failed attempts to play the CCA and the resistance alike against some random amputee chick that didn't want anything to do with him or his Stinky Penis didn't seem so much of Brian's response to the situation as it was your own. Manage your affairs and work on solidifying a personality for Brian that's not only consistent but congruent with appearance in some way. Reminds me way too much of how I first portrayed Doors when I first made the character, and that's not a great place to be...
     
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    #17 adderall, May 18, 2017
    Last edited: May 18, 2017
  18. BMY871

    BMY871 Senior Member

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    @adderall Thanks for your response! It's good to see how Brian comes across versus how I imagine him. Brian's main struggle is escapism, which motivates many of his behaviors. It's something that he tries to get over but often falls to at the worst times. The resulting ignorance to the current situation and seeking of escapes including alcohol, love, and youthful ways are risky to play. They can give the impression that Brian is just a goofy character without motives. I would greatly appreciate advice for how to display the former and avoid the latter.

    e: Just to clarify, Brian was actually under the impression that Cassandra was an informant, not a random amputee.
     
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    #18 BMY871, May 18, 2017
    Last edited: May 18, 2017
  19. A Wizard

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    Alright since I'm home I'll drop a few names.

    @BMY871

    I can't say I've roleplayed with you much on Brian because, well I'd rather climb out of CSGO silver than play on s2. So I've only had a few run ins with you on S1. You seem to have improved in general roleplaying ability but I can't really judge the character quite yet. Keep on it!

    @Benji Dooble

    The only character you have I've actually roleplayed with is Lazlo, and he's made quite an impact on Dalia so far and I regret not seeing him more as her when he was in the city. Either way, I think you're decent. You do have a habit of just giving one or two word responses sometimes that make things dull, but generally you're alright.

    @Scone !

    I've only really interacted with one of your adjutants, 015, and she was an incredibly unique character in my eyes. A bit of a take-no-shit attitude which is something I can't really perfect. On the contrary, I feel like you played that one trait a lot to the point of making her seem more 2D than she really was. A hardass, basically, but maybe 087 just didn't get close enough to her to see another side.
     
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  20. Fuxx

    Fuxx Has absolutely no life

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    Based on memory with Panda: you could use with detailing things more. Right away we're captivated by her accent and grasp (or lack of thereof) of English, which can be oh so full of emotion sometimes and this is great. What you need to take into account however is that people rarely speak only with their mouths. Their eyes can wander or stare straight, their postures may be firm or slouched, the hands can be subconsciously gesticulating in the air. I feel the true riches of Panda would be so much better expressed if you paid more attention to these details.

    Your writing is good. I went to check up on some old logs to see if I could find anything to comment on but I don't think anything needs to be said. Keep it up.

    Based in the rare times we've rped I noticed that whenever Sam is in the room it is your emotes that tend to stand out and all thanks to the evident effort you put into them. You've found that sweet spot to put just enough work into your default roleplaying state without pushing it too far. Another thing I picked up is your vocabulary or the way you use your words, which adds a slight but noticeable richness to your writing.

    You do the best vort speech in this community, hands down.

    You are a true villain and top rper and it breaks my heart that there aren't more people with characters as resolute and brutal as yours. Your writing is diverse, thought-provoking and gets deep into the subject. You're not satisfied with just being an antagonist, you want to explore the insanity. Your writing is spectacular in that every encounter you make a point of displaying what you have created to others. It is brilliant and you never disappoint.

    What @adderall said honestly, but then again my impression could be distorted from a lack of interaction. I think you should work heavily on how you present your character to others in order to avoid such judgement. You mention escapism and goofing around/flirting with chicks, but my problem with Chang in particular is that since he's basically a cripple and does literally nothing else as far as I'm aware of, it is as though he really is just a vessel. Is there really nothing else?


    --
    Judge me.

    53170.
    Stefano Murcelano AKA 01358 AKA 70717 AKA Eric Bishop.
    Sebastian Vernier.
    A few other characters but these are the ones I dedicated the most to.

    Eric Bishop
    53170
     
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  21. adderall

    adderall Legend

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    @BMY871
    not goofy, he just came off as not a character at all. trying to get some lady you just met killed and harassing her the point where she's getting white knighted in alleyways doesn't allude to escapism as much as it does a non-character.
    also why is ur first chars response to 'i think this persons a rat for the cops' to go to the cops and rat
    mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
     
  22. Fastard

    Fastard My Join Date is Backwards
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    Hi. My name is Fastard (My parents aren't very smart. A trait clearly passed onto myself) I play such wondrous characters as:

    -Josephine Jorrijens

    -Chuck (Vincent Artino)

    -As well as Unit 99742 (Formerly 78786.)

    As well as a various amount of event characters, creatures and even just a floating environmental descriptionist depending on what I'm doing.

    Although anything ever said about me these days, is more than equal to "You don't even do events anymore, so why are you even an admin?" and "Do you even roleplay you autistic jonker?"
    I don't care what people think, but it's always nice to get some insight.
     
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    #22 Fastard, May 18, 2017
    Last edited: May 18, 2017
  23. blubaugh?

    HL2 Admin

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    @BMY871

    when it comes to playing a character with childish or immature tendencies, you need to make it clear that they're more than that and make it clear that they have a reason for acting that way that's consistent with the character's history

    Grace binge drank because she never mentally moved past college AND she needed an escape from the things she saw. The type of childishness fit the character and its history

    In the same vein, Alma smokes and makes loads of sex jokes and stuff like that but it's also clear that she's still a professional and that the things that she does stem from her personal history, the situation she grew up in, and hella mommy issues.

    A big thing that people appreciate is range. You should be able to tell that a character is a person without entering the cyber den. Yes people have public and private faces but I'm still sure to sprinkle the Dr. Chaves character in when it's still predominantly the Lobo character in public.

    Also don't be afraid to do something if you think it'll make somebody critical of you. Some people dislike my character because of her sexuality just on principle. The criticisms about Chang have been valid but don't be afraid to explore him as a character how you want to. Just give him some more emotional range. Needs some reminders that the dude's like 40 ya feel
     
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  24. Waptnt

    STALKER Admin

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    I guess for criticism since I don't have any saved logs id ask for those who know the characters of wendish n Jack Dahl to tell me how they feel about them.
     
  25. blubaugh?

    HL2 Admin

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    maybe it'd be better if people posted specific concerns they themselves have about their characters because those are a lot easier to respond to than "how do you like my character" since the honest answer to that question 90% of the time is "pretty good, dude, they're kind of unique and memorable mostly"

    I'll start

    Sometimes I feel like, while I can portray her fine enough as somebody who was an adult prior to the war, I don't do justice to Alma growing up during the fall of the Soviet Union in a country that was entirely funded by them. Does anyone else find it hard to suspend their disbelief around my character in regards to this topic? If so, do you have any resources I can look at that document the that period in Cuban history in more detail? Is this even relevant?
     
  26. AlbinoGlowStick

    AlbinoGlowStick CCA.C17-KOBRA.SqL.85900

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    We RP'd once discussing the past on our characters and I didn't have any problem at all understanding and everything felt really solid and natural. Given I'm not an expert on the history of cuban-soviet relations, but I don't think you have to be either to give that feeling as long as you're reasonable and consistence (which you defiantly gave the vibe of). A quick glance to wikipedia could help to give you some finer details, perhaps your characters family was sugarcane farmers and were hit hard by the USSR reducing their trade.

    e: Fuck my shit up fam, you all know I play Loving and Scott Michaels. My main concern right now is that Scott is just too bland and lacks personality.
     
    #26 AlbinoGlowStick, May 19, 2017
    Last edited: May 19, 2017
  27. Pineapple

    Pineapple Legend

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    @everyone
    I see your run-on sentences

    Criticise me please
    I play 723 / Jamie Allen
     
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  28. Symmetry

    Symmetry Kwisatz Haderach

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    R8 me pls.

    Don't hold back. Fire all the guns...
     
  29. CollectorGeneral

    CollectorGeneral unironically a neonazi irl

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    Your RP has one catastrophic flaw, that being the fact that we didn't rp together enough...
     
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  30. Owain6521

    Owain6521 XCCR Ration Hoarder

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    roleplay with me

    but seriously i really loved jenn lowry as a character, because when i got the chance to she was an interesting foil to the positive optimism elizabeth jones always seemed to have as a member of the wbs, and my one and only interaction with ritsel was a chase surrounding a chia pet, so that one's stuck in my mind

    as for me, i roleplayed elizabeth and wouldn't mind a hindsight criticism, i also play eleanor, harry reeve, travis knight and a few others, and oocly wrote the vox populi posts up until january (please criticise those too i worry about them but do want to start it up again).
     
  31. Rabid

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    Criticize me; I'll work on stuff later for others.

    I play James Daniels & Hastur, primarily.
     
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